Cross Current

I lived in northern California until 1996. For nearly thirty years I loved nothing more than to take my children one on one to the ocean and hike along the cliffs of that rugged coastline. I have many good memories of long walks and talks with each of them. I am fond of a particular memory of Ben--our son who died in 1999. One of our favorite haunts was Point Lobos, north of Big Sur and just before Carmel. We were together there many times, but in retrospect one occurence offers itself as a shadow of things to come.

Grief is not a single emotion so much as it is life awry with many conflicting and supplementary currents of emotion. It connects itself to the sea in this way. And in losing Ben, our grief became our cross--itself a conflicted symbol.

Cross Current____________________________________

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live in the flesh,
this is the fruit of my labor: yet what I shall choose I know not.
For I am in a strait betwixt two,
having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:
Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you (Philippians 1:21 – 24)."


I might surrender to the tide in my blood.

I could close my eyes and find myself again
standing north of Whaler’s Cove—
watching my beautiful boy unearth the abalone shell.
I would put my arm across his shoulders
and we would walk together
toward the sounds of a watery apocalypse.

Even now I hear the siren music only we would hear.

He would run atop the cavern’d rock
as if to dance upon the spine of a crustacean—
embracing every plume of each exploding wave.
He made sea lions happy and seals paid him homage.
He put their kelptic offerings into his bag
and set them out for study later.

It pulls me out—this tide in our blood.

Almost—the warn sun ignites the fragrant mariposa.
Almost—the brine is in the air.
We could rise with the help of my shepherd’s staff—
But I should be down beside him
waiting for the careful movement of hands
that will extricate every shell that has been buried.


3/14/2002